Monday, May 26, 2014

An Entry from early Winter, 2014

In those days, joy was abundant and seemingly un-fleeting. Of course, there were tears then, and sorrow. There was brokenness, for that is the reality of the world in which we live, for now, as we wait for that blessed Promise.

But the love I knew was a child, was such a beautiful reflection of that blessed Promise. It it almost a mystery, hard to fathom, like a fable or a fairy-tale, the echo of longing, a resonance...for Redemption's story is written and woven into our own stories, into the fabric of this Earth.

To recompense all that has been lost in these days,  all that has been lost, but yet remains Eternal...I must recall those days of youth. Those days of warmth, love, security, safety, comfort, and utmost joy. Indeed, there was much dross amidst all this gold, for we are broken people upon a fallen, broken world...but in the End, all that shall remain shall be that which is golden.

I do not know where to begin. Honestly. Every relationship is so unique, graced with joy and sweetness, not saccharine, but sacred. Perhaps I can only describe each in abstract ways, to begin. Each relationship is its own novel. There are those who I only knew as a child, and those I knew and who knew me, for the duration of my life. There were those, like Terry, who brought such joy and love and laughter and goodness. There were those who I knew only briefly, but graced and blessed my life with their presence and embrace, and marked me tremendously with their kindness and wisdom. I know not where to begin.

So much happened so quickly, far more that I could perceive, more than one person can take in from moment-to-moment.

And in such a way, a human is brought to the core of who one is, who one will be, and to the core of everything one had once understood about life and stability and relationships, what is and what was.

Right now, and lately, I think the biggest thing I have been learning to overcome, is all of the shame that builds with circumstances like that. Imperceptible experiences such as what I have witnessed and experienced and known.

My close friend marveled to me the vastness and depth of my story. That even after knowing me for a year and a half, and being roommates for several months, and for all that I have shared, there is so much that she yet does not know and has not heard.

From November 2009 to this past year of 2014, grief has been a nearly constant companion. To assign such simple terms to it such as this, simply stating the duration of time, feels unjustifiably concise. Yet, it is also, as time has passed, refreshing, as I begin to understand it as a season I have journeyed through, rather than a neverending road of deep, deep sorrow and heartache.

And for now, this is where I must end...having the courage to know what happened, to know that it has impacted and inflicted and affected me deeply, to have compassion for myself in the midst of it and honor the emotions that come, as they come, and to hold to the Promises of Eternity.

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