Saturday, March 8, 2014

What I Carry With Me

I wish to write, in order to memorialize those loved ones who have departed from this world. I wish to use words and phrases to embody and to express all that these people meant to me. That will be my next task. To understand just what I carry with me, though they are gone and we are apart, what they have imparted to me in the days and years that they were a part of my growing up.

TB: I was so blessed, so very blessed to know him, to have him in my life when I was a child. He brought so much joy and laughter to our lives. He always made me feel so safe.

Many of my fondest memories of childhood were with him. I remember, when he passed so suddenly, I would lie awake at night, cascades of memories going through my mind, as tears would fall. There were so many. He was such a part of our daily lives. He was just always there, on his lawn mower, working out in the yard on various tasks.

I would ride my bike up and down the driveway, and stop and talk to him. He had a way of letting us know that we were uniquely special to him. I guess I didn't realize that so much, until he was gone. I often look upon the past with rose-colored glasses, too. But he brought and light and warmth to our lives that was so special.

When I worked at the pre-school, it was really a neat and precious time of life. I had just experienced another Christmas that was scathingly difficult. Being around those precious hearts was comforting. I could pour out my love and appreciation and tenderness to them. We could play, and laugh, and read stories. He was there in that...the teaching, the loving, the support and kindness.

I want to teach someday. As I teach here and next academic quarter, I want to carry that with  me. That richness and depth of life. A longing to impart and to help others understand complex and difficult problems. He helped me understand algebra. Distributing, logarithms, piece-wise functions. Those were my favorites, and they still are. I want to carry that forward as I teach others, as I work with kids, as I work with young adults, too.

As I continually work through the trauma and the complex grief and bereavement of these past few years, I know I will continue to draw meaning and depth from these painful circumstances. Life is so rich. Yes, there is so, so much pain. But, there is so much joy and love, too. And hope. Such deep hope. Beyond the overwhelming load of grief that I bear, there is a gladness, hope, and joy...and that is the Eternal. That is what I hold to. In Christ Jesus, I have the deepest hope...and onward on this journey, I will go.

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