Just to state...

I'm almost afraid to keep the entry below. But for how little exposure this blog receives, maybe I will let it remain for a while.

I wish it could end on a happy, hopeful note. But in that sense, perhaps it is like Psalm 88.

But in reality, it is hopeful. Because if that darkness wasn't exposed, it would have remained to destroy so much more.

It's so hard to write of this, because it is so hard to describe. But I know I am not the only one to walk this road. It's painful to expose this, because it seems that there is so much at stake. What boldness should I take to this? What meekness? Will I continue to write in riddles and veiled poetry?

I have more to say, but I will let it remain as this for now.

Luke 11:35

Should I write this poetically or straight-out ---- right to the point?

Tearing through this jungle, the tangled mess of everything I thought maybe could be and maybe was, but really wasn't.

What really wasn't at all.

It all seemed alive for Him. It all seemed so passionate. It all seemed so full of life and vibrancy.

I looked beneath the surface of what appeared to be beautiful flowers and an array of light.

But at the roots of it was something more fierce and destructive than I could have ever imagined.

And yet so tangled and so thorny was the briar patch below those blossoms and blooms. I never knew...though it wounded me time after time as I ran after that which I thought was real. Never once catching up to it. Always falling behind and falling short.

How foolish I felt. How angry and bitter at what I allowed to drive me for so long.

Chasing after emotional high after emotional high...what was labeled as a phrase I now despise.

And yet I shouldn't.

But I have been ruined. I have been gutted from the inside out of the faith that I once thought was mine.

And what I thought was light, was really darkness.